Like glaciers and tectonic plates, teeth are slowly yet surely on the move as they attempt to turn their host’s mouth into frozen tundra and then rip it apart like a bite-size Pangaea. Defeat devious teeth with today’s Groupon: for $99, you get an initial Invisalign examination, x-rays, and impressions (a $500 value) plus $1,000 off the full Invisalign teeth-straightening treatment from Walsh & Walsh General and Cosmetic Dentistry in Kinderhook.
Invisalign strives to straighten crooked chompers without braces, instead opting for removable aligners that are virtually invisible to the unclothed eye. An initial 45- to 60-minute exam, including x-rays, photos, and impressions of the mouth terrain, paves the way for a flurry of calibrated teeth sheaths that are designed to slowly shift walnut crackers into perfect alignment. The total cost of an Invisalign treatment varies for each customer (it can run anywhere from $5,100 to $6,900); this Groupon gets you $1,000 toward that final cost. Depending on the client’s teeth, as few as 12 or as many as 48 separate aligners will need to be worn during a period of 6–15 months before the straightening effect finally self-actuates in a sudden burst of pink smoke and slobber. Aligners are only removed when eating, brushing, flossing, or modeling a finely clenched jaw.
Spouses and bicuspid cohorts Dr. Marie B. Walsh and Dr. John J. Walsh lead a toothsome team of hygienists and beavers in lab coats dedicated to dental health in and outside the office. They lend services to the Dental Lifeline Network, an organization that provides charitable dental work to disadvantaged patients.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Citizens' Arrests
The Constitution grants every citizen many of the powers and privileges of a real police officer—as clearly dictated by Amendment Alpha, an acrostic made up of the first letter of every other amendment. To aid you in your citizenly duty to stop crime wherever you may see it, here's a guide to correctly performing a citizen's arrest:
Confirm the Crime: Many things that seem illegal, such as stealing cable or breaking a young girl's heart, are actually not against the law. And many things that are illegal, such as being mean to a dog or hitting someone with a car, seem perfectly fine to do. As a layman law enforcer, you are only authorized to make a citizen's arrest for one of the offenses that make up "The Big Three": theft, murder, and crime.
Approach the Offender: The vast majority of people you target won’t even realize they've committed a crime—and so will happily submit when you attempt to bind their hands with your homemade handcuffs (try making them out of twigs and discarded hair; it doubles as a friendship bracelet when your arrestee gets out of jail). If for some reason the criminal doesn't want to be arrested, you are constitutionally authorized to shoot them down with a cutting insult.
Await the Authorities: All that's left to do is call in the professional lawmen by ringing the nearest Crime Bell. Within seconds, a fleet of judges should arrive at the scene to carry out swift justice by sentencing the offender to jail, apology camp, house arrest (no longer allowed to watch the television program House), or a year of hard labor, which is just another name for an unpaid internship in an obstetrician's office. Time to reward yourself for keeping your city safe by setting off some fireworks.
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