Mountain Dew A.M. Is Not Living Up to the Potential of Mountain Dew

For years, no one tinkered with Mountain Dew’s original formula, long respected as a turbo-charged meisterwerk.

Recently, though, Taco Bell’s mixologists altered the time-honored brew to create a breakfast-ready variant: Mountain Dew A.M. This equal-parts mixture of Dew and orange juice seems custom-made for the hurried morning commuter, infusing the healthful juice with much-needed caffeine.

You’re off to a good start, Mr. Bell, but while you were shaking off your midday caffeine jitters, Groupon’s own mixologists synthesized an array of versatile Dew infusions for any time of day, mood, or occasion.

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Here are a few highlights from our collection of 268 new MD varieties:

Mountain Dew Brunch

Completely unlike Mountain Dew A.M., MDB draws its flavor profile from a mix of Mountain Dew, orange juice…and a turbo-splash of champagne. Often referred to as “Mimosa Dew,” MD Brunch adds rockstar-level class to waffle-centric midday meals.

Mountain Dew Nightcap

A turbo-charged blend of Mountain Dew and sleep-inducing herbs such as chamomile, passion flower, and valerian, MD Nightcap sends drinkers racing down the restful sleep highway at 150 MPH-plus on street-illegal REM motorcycles.

Mountain Dew Birthday

Another year goes by un-turbocharged and you wonder how time managed to slip away so quickly. Don’t let it happen again. Don’t disappoint your poor, lonely dad. Grab the tub of birthday frosting, the bottle of Birthday Dew, pour them in the blender, and start this year with your best foot forward—no, both of them, kicking Father Time right in his smug, bearded face.

Mountain Dew Senior

It’s illegal for AARP members to consume Mountain Dew “straight,” but not with the workaround MD Senior presents. Mix 1-part Mountain Dew to 1-part Metamucil for a senior-friendly drink that retains the beverage’s turbo-charged sensibilities while infusing it with 100% of the FDA’s recommended daily dose of fiber.

Mountain Dew Campfire

A tablespoon of liquid smoke per cup of Mt. Dew transports drinkers to the turbo-charged days of yore, when cowboys huddled ‘round the campfire after a long drive, the sleeping herd of cattle blanketed in darkness just beyond the light of their small circle. A coyote bays quietly in the distance; the weary drovers grip their tin mugs of Mt. Dew with dusty hands, worn from a day spent cattle-roping and base-jumping.

Illustration by Peter Hopkins, Groupon