A lifespan of stress and strain can cause the spine to hunch forward, hampering efforts to stand at attention or disguise yourself as a floor lamp during home invasions. Straighten things out with today’s Groupon: for $60, you get a stress-reducing massage package at Active Life Wellness and Health Care Center (a $420 value). The package includes:
- Stress analysis (a $225 value)
- Exam and x-rays (a $115 value)
- 60-minute massage (an $80 value)
Active Life Wellness and Health Care Center’s professional staffers keep skeletal structures walking and waltzing through life with the aid of holistic therapies. Stress analyses decipher each patient’s current physical state with a functional evaluation, unmasking muscle imbalances caused by everything from hard partying to attempts to complete single-finger push-ups. The postural exam scours the spine for body bullies loitering between vertebras, and a set of x-rays further helps detect aches and pains floating amongst the bodily void.
After reviewing exam results to obtain a detailed map of the patient’s current conditions, a trained therapist tends to troublesome spots during the 60-minute therapeutic massage. Muscle melters’ hands glide across the skin’s surface, looping figure-eight motions to knead out knots and landing triple axels to intimidate tight tendons. Services may be spread out across three separate visits so that newly limbered patients may leave with refreshed physiques gifted with a decrease in stress, better circulation, and lowered levels of noxious toxins.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Entertainment Babies
Whether Muppet™ or Human™, everyone knows the baby versions of entertainers are the most entertaining of all. Here are some of the best:
Aerosmith Babies: Aerosmith are babies that live together. As an added bonus, every episode ends with the number that will win that day’s lottery.
Mount Rushmore Babies: Enjoy the wacky antics of four giant marble slabs that act like baby versions of the four iconic presidents for some reason.
Ghostbusters: The Toddler Years: All of the dangerous ghost hunting, except with the boring science replaced by pie-eyed giggling.
Baby’s Day Out Babies: The kidnappers are babies. The baby’s a baby. The president is three babies. Rated G for babies.
Survivor: The Amazon: Babies: Canceled due to general revulsion.
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