The deal is on!
For centuries mankind has envied pizza dough and wondered how we too could be kneaded to relaxed, savory states without paying for the luxury of being escorted via wooden paddle to a Sicilian brick oven. Fulfill a long-held dream with today’s Groupon: for $29, you get a 60-minute Swedish massage at Tatyana's Spa Fusion in Rosedale (a $64 value).
The Swedish massage uses light or medium pressure to loosen knots and alleviate stress. The smooth, gliding strokes ease muscle tension and promote relaxation, easing overworked muscles and melting tension into a conveniently positioned bucket. An effective treatment for stress reduction and the improvement of blood circulation, Swedish massage also relieves anxiety, depression, and trauma resulting from having a quarter painfully extracted from your ear by a street magician.
To add skin benefits to the muscle-mollifying massage, Tatyana's uses organic massage oils by Eminence that smooth the skin while soothing skeletal musculature. The skilled massage technicians at Tatyana's are ready and able to knead cares and woes into blissful oblivion, but need some advanced notice to prepare their relaxation chakras, so call ahead to schedule an appointment.
Groupon Says
Macrodermabrasion
Skin-rejuvenating microdermabrasion is really just a miniaturization of the original macrodermabrasion that scientists have been using to scour the surfaces of planets since the early '60s. What are some unusual secrets that have been revealed just below the surface of some of your favorite planets?
- Saturn: Top-most layer of soil composed of 68.2% caramel.
- Jupiter: A hollow, gaseous shell beneath which there is a thriving society of super-intelligent pterodactyls sporting jaunty mortarboards.
- Pluto: Has a smaller Pluto just beneath the surface, which contains a still-smaller Pluto, all the way down until you get to the core, which is a just a golf ball with a swear word written on it in permanent marker.
- Mars: Intricate network of tunnels leading to secret Blockbuster Video locations that appear clean, friendly, well stocked, and visibly unaffected by Netflix or sadness.
- Earth: Ew, bugs!
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