Soak away the worries that have lodged themselves in the nooks of your joints and the crooks of your connective tissues, while inhaling a bouquet of soothing, therapeutic scents. Today's Groupon restores your body to a nubile state of relaxed joyousness unlike any since you got your braces removed by a man who claimed to be in the circus. For $30, you get a 60-minute Swedish massage at Vitality Unlimited Spa, a $68 value. Retreat to Vitality Unlimited Spa's beautiful sanctuary, located conveniently in Webster Groves, and feel the pressures of the outside world dissolve off your soon-to-be-tension-free shoulders. Naturally, world powers began jockeying for access to the potentially weaponize-able massage, by means both diplomatic and underhanded. Many international observers believe that the 1992 Summer Olympics were, in fact, a complicated ruse carried out by Russia and the United States to distract Sweden long enough to steal their massage, as evidenced by the fact that Sweden won an unexpected 904 Gold Medals that year. Still, the Swedes held tight to their massage until 1999, when Y2K-related fears caused Swedish officials to release classified details of the massage, believing that the world would likely end. Today, the Swedish massage is practiced all over the world, though rumors that the Swedes are secretly working on an even better massage run rampant.