Listen deeply, adventure lovers. The one known as Cineman, which is I, has just returned from my annual two-day self-actualization retreat in wildest Manitoba. There I learned that to get the most out of something, you can’t just enjoy it—you also have to critique it.
In honor of the great film deals we’re offering, these are the elements that cinema critics know to look out for:
Characters: Film critics love characters whose actions are heroic, such as a detective who falls in love with a stolen necklace or an asteroid that’s going to destroy Earth but for its own good.
Plot: Now that there are characters, they must be sent on a jet-setting chase through Venice’s sexiest canals. If the story makes this impossible, at least have the characters talk about the sexy canals.
Score: The film’s score should ideally just consist of the sound of gasping to signal to audiences that something shocking is happening.
Cinematography: This is not something movie critics care about because, like you, they do not know what this is.
Theme: To be truly great, a film must have one of the three following uplifting themes: be yourself, be yourself but also sometimes be a werewolf, or crime doesn’t pay—it pays well.
Valentine’s Day gives people an opportunity to express feelings of fondness via floral arrangements, sky-written sonnets, or heart-shaped confectionery stationary. Whether you’re satiating your sweetheart’s sweet tooth or whisking them away for a romantic night on the town, we’re exited to feature some deals sure to warm the heart of any valentine. Here are some of our favorites:
