Groublogpon – The Serious Blog of Groupon

Our Editorial Department continues their “Behind the Deal” series with a post on how to successfully redeem your Groupon.

While entering credit-card information to purchase a Groupon is fun in and of itself, did you know you actually can exchange Groupons for goods and services at their respective businesses? It’s true! Here are the three approved methods for redeeming a Groupon:

1. Print and Redeem: Using your PC’s web browser, surf over to your Groupon account and hit your keyboard’s “Print” key. Then sign, date, and write a heartfelt “Thank You” at the bottom of the printed Groupon to make it legally binding. Finally, ferry your Groupon to the merchant, who will burn your redeemed Groupon in a Groupon-provided incinerator to prevent duplicate usage.

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Groupon’s staff continues to grow exponentially, partly because employees are contractually obligated to give birth in the form of litters, and Groupon headquarters must grow to accommodate them. Although secondary offices have been opened in Palo Alto, elsewhere in Chicago, and on flying platforms where deals are spun from cloud matter, the bulk of Groupon headquarters is housed in the historic Montgomery Ward Company Complex on the Chicago River.

At the time this 400,000-square-foot behemoth served as the distribution center for one of retail’s first bulk-bargaineers, young pages were given roller skates so they could quickly traverse its lengthy hallways. Nowadays, with the advent of internal phone lines and PDFs (paper-like digital forms), employees rarely, if ever, don roller skates, as they prefer rollerblades or the 2011 Razor Segway (now available in ice blue).

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Unlike most websites, which are just digital editions of print blogs, Groupon.com had to be built from the ground up by a dedicated team of hardworking computer algorithms. Of course, these self-sufficient artificial intelligences didn’t will themselves into existence—they were created by Groupon’s top-notch development team: 25,000 technology experts and 50,000 “fanners” who constantly blow cold air onto our server farm to keep it from overheating.

Our development team is always working behind the scenes to build Groupon.com new features, such as Facebook integration, mobile redemption, and our still-in-beta Peace of Mind button, which sends calming theta waves through the Internet so that you feel great about every Groupon purchase. The talent necessary to create such revolutionary features isn’t cheap—each member of our development team is paid with pouches of silver delivered by endangered Albertine Owlets.

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