Groublogpon – The Serious Blog of Groupon

Banding together with coworkers to battle other local companies in non-work-related competitions simultaneously builds camaraderie and the opposite of camaraderie, loathing. Here are some of the recent contests Groupon employees have participated in:

Bike to Work Week: Over the course of three days, all of which must be within the same week, two companies compete to see which can convince more employees to claim that they rode their bikes to the office. The winning company keeps the other company’s bikes.

Blood Drive: After donating blood, representatives from two companies race to consume the cookie they were given in exchange for their vital fluids. If both finish the cookie at the same time, they must give another quart of blood to earn a second cookie and race again.

Battle of the Books: The first company to have one employee name a real book wins.

The Newlywed Show: Companies cover all expenses for two randomly selected employees to get married, go on a honeymoon, and live in a remote cabin for six months. Everyone always wins because learning that business is all about building lasting relationships is the most important lesson of all.

To piggyback on the “green” trend, Groupon has recently replaced its garbage barges with a comprehensive recycling program. Here’s a look at what employees are encouraged to reuse:

Soda Cans: We cut the crowns off so the base can be used as a pencil holder and the tops can be used as homemade Pogs.

Tissue Boxes: We unfold them to use the cardboard as a canvas for the lifelike paintings that accompany every deal on the site.

Computers: Any computer that is more than six months old is used for batting practice for the company softball team.

Desks: The desk of any employee who disappoints the Management Council is used as kindling to stoke the fire inside the employee.

Garbage Barges: These are now our floating offices anchored outside our Chicago headquarters.

Six times a year, Groupon holds a quarterly all-company meeting to explain new company policies and to check each employee for head lice. Here’s the agenda for our upcoming meeting:

1. Firework display shown on auditorium projector screen
2. 20 minutes of silence to honor all employees’ living fathers
3. Introduce the Board of Directors
4. Play name games with audience to help them remember the Board of Directors
5. Inspire Groupon employees by telling them that everyone should feel like a Board Member. To emphasize the point, ask the entire audience to join the Board on stage for the remainder of the meeting.
6. Acknowledge employees who grew the most since last meeting
7. Show a graph depicting the number of watermelons Groupon could buy with last quarter’s total revenue
8. Intermission
9. Reassemble, this time with the Board sitting in the audience and the employees on stage. This teaches the employees that nothing in life is guaranteed.
10. Initial firework display shown in reverse

In addition to giving them free money just for showing up and working, Groupon ensures employees want to remain at the company with a comprehensive anniversary program. Here’s what Groupon rewards its employees with:

• First Year: Green tracksuit with company logo and employee nickname embroidered on jacket
• Second Year: 250 MB flash drive preloaded with your employee directory photo
• Third Year: Watch with no hands
• Fourth Year: Key to room filled with cases of Coke II
• Fifth Year: Sarcophagus carved to resemble CEO Andrew Mason
• Sixth Year: Elective surgery of the company’s choice
• Seventh Year: Discount tax preparation
• Eighth Year: Elective surgery of your choice
• Ninth Year: A nine-year-old dog (49 in dog years)
• Tenth Year: Entry into the oldest employee’s will