Groublogpon – The Serious Blog of Groupon

CHICAGO, 11/2/09: Groupon — America’s premiere website for thinking about doing stuff and then deciding to do it — just turned one million subscribers old.

“When we started Groupon last November,” writes founder and haircut magnate Andrew Mason, “We had one goal in mind — Solar colonization. Did we find the sun was able to support human life? Yes, yes we did. But did we lose a lot of men to do it?

[Long silence. Mason stares out window at sun.]

“But to have our back-up plan [a website offering deals that encourage people to explore cool things to do in their city] connect with this many people in such a short time, it’s mind-blowing,” says Mason. “Hopefully, as we continue to expand and come up with new ways to engage our loyal fans, we’ll have many million more next year.”

Andrew Mason then disturbed witnesses by taking a hearty bite from his own hand, which he revealed to be a prop hand made of taffy and was unavailable for comment for the better part of an hour due to “hand re-patching.”

But Groupon is more than just America’s Best Website. We’re rolling out new features like a little invention we’re calling “Gift Cards.” As easily as purchasing a Groupon for one’s lovable self, you can pass the deals on to another, in any denomination, to be redeemed on their own next Groupon purchase. From sushi to skydiving, get your loved ones the gift they really want— a thing that they forgot to tell you what it is.

But how does giving to others help you? That’s where the referral program comes in. Subscribers can now receive Groupon credit for each friend they convince to buy a Groupon.

“Now that we have such a huge, established audience, Groupon wanted to make it easy for our fans to do their shopping during the holiday season,” said Mason, through a mouthful of taffy-hand. “And since word-of-mouth is the cornerstone to our success, it made sense to reward people for telling their friends about us.”

Groupon subscribers receive free daily emails alerting them to an exclusive deal from a top local business (restaurant, spa, indoor activity, the World’s Largest of something, etc.), but these deals only go into effect if a minimum number of people agree to buy, “just like clapping to bring Tinkerbell back to life,” adds a scientist.

This naturally encourages subscribers to share the deal with family and friends via Facebook, Twitter, yelling, and other social media tools, generating new customers as they rope in awesome friends to try new restaurants, keep each other in check with their new gym memberships, or watch each other’s backs in Laser-tag. After only a year in business, Groupon has saved its subscribers more than $26 million Earth dollars while generating much more for local businesses, and having enough left-over to construct our weather machine.

“Groupon brings buyers and sellers together in a fun and collaborative way,” said Mason, from his taffy-coma plastic detox incubator. “We offer the consumer a great deal they can’t get anywhere else and deliver the sales directly to the merchant.” Andrew Mason then exploded into a ball of white light, due to the molecular vibrations triggered by his obscene sugar consumption. Witnesses report that the phenomenon “was beautiful” and smelled “exactly like cotton candy.”

Groupon, launched in November 2008 in Chicago, features a daily deal on the best stuff to do, eat, see, and buy in major cities across the U.S., with plans to be in at least 25 cities by the end of 2009. Groupon uses collective buying power to offer unbeatable prices and provide a win-win for businesses and consumers.