Like an expedition to the frozen north, every innovative company is guided by an intrepid band of rugged adventurers specializing in different but vital aspects of leadership. Here’s a look at the management team of Groupon:
Andrew Mason, CEO (Chief Executive Officer): Andrew, Groupon’s founder and principal tailor of all company-related jumpsuits, uses his inner astrolabe to guide our company to the safe harbor of business excellence.
Gil Carton, CFO (Chief Feared Occultist): Like every Internet company, Groupon harnesses the power of the dark arts to make sure our computer servers remain operational. Dressed always in crimson robes, Gil sends haunting rumbles through the hallways with his voice, an unsettling mix of ancient Sumerian and good-natured giggles.
Smiler, VP (Venomous Panda): Bred by our underground bioengineering department, Smiler possesses blood that has been replaced with a searing acid that the oft-seething bear is only too eager to spit on Groupon’s enemies. Kids love him.
Androo Mayson, SIC (Scarecrow in Chief): Made of straw and dressed in Andrew Mason’s soiled overalls, this lifeless doppelganger makes public appearances when the real Andrew Mason is busy hibernating in his Dream Tent.
You?!, PRT (Person Reading This): The real power at Groupon lies not with our executive team but with our customers. Specifically, we’re looking for someone whose blood can help provide the antidote for Smiler’s venom. He’s being really angry and terrifying lately.
Congratulations to our guest-author, Rachel, a details writer at Groupon and recent newlywed!
