Lasers have come a long way from when they were first used to lead wayward Roombas back to their baseboard lairs. Follow the light with today's Groupon to Priority Health in Yorkville. Choose between the following options:
- For $60, you get a consultation (a $125 value) and one LipoLaser treatment (a $441 value; a $566 total value).
- For $119, you get a consultation (a $125 value) and two LipoLaser treatments (a $441 value each; a $1,007 total value).
The trained beamsmiths at Priority Health target patrons' soft spots with figure-firming Lapex BCS LipoLasers during non-invasive cellulite treatments. During an initial consultation, doctors discuss clients’ health histories, craft a personalized treatment plan, and advise them to beware of jealous ice-skating rinks after the smoothing sessions. Then, as patients recline comfortably on a treatment table, the lasers’ nearly painless and non-invasive bursts of cold red light work to relieve fat cells of bloat like a dose of photon-borne Tums, warming deep tissue to stimulate circulation and flush out fatty acids. Posttreatment, depleted cellulite pockets lie flatter, helping to smooth formerly rippled skin and winnow down bodies’ overall width.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Mind vs. Body
Dualists such as René Descartes know that the mind and the body are separate entities. Here's a guide to determining which of these feuding halves you should turn to in a crisis:
The Situation: You need to cram all night for an important endocrinology exam.
Use Your Mind or Your Body? Your body. Spend the night tattooing the endocrine system's relevant diseases and secretions onto your upper torso, but leave enough room to tattoo the Constitution in case you decide to become a Supreme Court justice instead.
The Situation: One of Robert Frost's notebooks is trapped under a burning Chrysler LeBaron.
Use Your Mind or Your Body? Your mind. Refusing to lift the car off the notebook yourself will show the impotence of poetry.
The Situation: A bully kicks sand in your face.
Use Your Mind or Your Body? Neither. Instead of using your body to fight back or your mind to conjure up a clever retort, harness your sense of shame to detach your body's molecules from each other and dissipate into the ether.
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