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In and Around Parkville
The Groupon Guide to: Passing a Lie-Detector Test
Most applications for government jobs, baby-sitting gigs, or radio call-in soothsayer positions now require one to pass a comprehensive polygraph (or lie-detector) exam. Fortunately, you can outwit these fib-finding deceit decipherers. Prepare yourself with this list of commonly asked questions and the strategies for beating them:
Question: What's your name?
Strategy: Polygraph machines collect data by combining the metrics of three different biological factors—brainwave irregularities, sweat discharge, and honesty pheromones. Convey maximum truth by giving them the name you wish you had.
Question: Where were you on the night of July 25?
Strategy: The machine is now collecting location data for veracification (veracity verification). Cover your tracks just in case—tell them you began your day by leaving the amnesia clinic.
Question: Are you made of spaghetti?
Strategy: In interrogator's lingo, this is known as the swerveball, designed to lower your defenses with an absurdly false assumption. You can override the machine's truth circuits by answering while using humanity's oldest defense mechanism—sarcasm.
Question: Have you ever falsified data on a polygraph test?
Strategy: Time to come clean! Confess that you've been effortlessly providing false answers this entire time. Your interrogators will be so impressed with your honesty, they'll give you a passing grade and the title of Trust Deputy, which comes with a honorary key to every home in the city.