Deemed “superfoods” by organic grocers and by bank robbers whose escapes are foiled by slipping on their rinds, certain foods have nutritional attributes that recharge the human body in strange and amazing ways:
Pomegranates: Best known from the ancient Greek myth of Persephone, wherein the fabled Cyprian princess had to eat 30 pomegranates in under a minute to banish Rumpelstiltskin back to Hades, the antioxidant properties of pomegranates are used to turn harmful toxins into harmless chronic snoring.
Açaí Berry: First constructed in genetic laboratories in 2002, these superfruits are the most common phrase to appear in online banner ads, narrowly edging out “You won’t believe” and “She wore what?!” Eating a handful of açaí berries will give you one hour of laser vision, often directed outward.
Broccoli: Nutritiously toxic? This iron-rich death blossom warns human children not to eat it by giving them one poison-free bite as a warning. Children then instinctively know to refuse further consumption and are rewarded for their evolutionary savvy with a life-size chocolate catcher’s mitt.