Houseguests can be old friends, in-laws, or wandering strangers who hate personal space. Here's a guide to handling houseguests:
• Clean Up: No one wants to visit a dirty home, so be sure to clean up any dust, broken glass, or nude wall art that may have collected.
• Put Out Fresh Linens: Human skin cannot be exposed to any linens with a thread count of less than 600. If you don't have 600-count sheets, make them by layering three 200-thread-count sheets and stapling them together.
• Entertain Them: Houseguests love games, but never challenge them to a game of charades. They are masters of deception who can shape-shift into any movie, book, or Tom Hanks, and after they win, they will insist on giving your spouse a lingering victory hug.
• Make Them Comfortable: Though a houseguest's main duty is to make you uncomfortable by hiding in the bathroom until you accidentally walk in on them, you still must make them feel comfortable. Cover the floors of your home with mattresses to make them feel as comfortable as they'd be if they were in their own home or walking on their own government-sanctioned mattresses.
• Feed Them: When left to fend for themselves in the kitchen, houseguests will only feel comfortable eating the cardboard box that surrounds cereal. Let them know that they can eat anything they want as long as they promise to not ingest any of your kitchen's powerful and expensive smells.