The major television networks have just announced their upcoming season of wedding shows, primetime commercials, and sitcoms, which are scripted shows for people who hate to be alone and want to feel like they have friends inside the TV. Here’s a step-by-step guide to writing your first sitcom:

Choose a main character:
• A single gal trying to make it in New York City (difficult place for gals because the subway is always crowded and men are rude)
• A guy who wants to be successful but is stifled by his need to be lazy and have fun
• A parent who should not be a parent

Choose a location:
• A large apartment but it has bad furniture or a mouse
• An office where everyone talks fast and the boss is a hot but mean woman
• A house in the relatable part of America

Choose a best friend:
• Female whose glasses represent her insecurity
• Male whose glasses represent his insecurity
• Mean spouse

Choose a love interest:
• Man who lives in the city but somehow has a job that involves tilling the earth and making folk art
• Hot boss (turns out she wasn’t really mean, just assertive)
• Single neighbor who is always visible through the window when getting dressed

Choose a montage for the opening credits:
• Main characters sitting on subway trains, walking down streets, and pushing weird sidewalk-people out of the way, then they all end up at a restaurant eating brunch together
• A memo flies around the office, characters take turns catching it and smiling at the camera before it blows away again
• Diapers keep opening up to reveal the names of actors instead of what you would think would be in a diaper