Humans were designed to stay indoors, where their delicate skin can't be pierced by hot air or bugs armed with stinging insults. However, if you must venture into the wilderness, it should be under a protective shell of high-performance hiking gear. Here's what you'll need to survive the outdoors:

• Boots: Strap on the heaviest boots you can find. Woodland creatures are attracted to the sound of heavy boots stomping through a forest, as it provides a welcome break from the monotony of a life spent at the bottom of the food chain.
• Bug Spray: All bug sprays are placebos meant to help you overcome your fear of becoming emotionally close with bugs.
• Granola Bar: Nature's candy bars, granola bars come with less shame and a better sharing-with-birds factor than their chocolate-soaked counterparts. Bring a gym bag containing dozens.
• Compass: Spin the Compass is similar to Spin the Bottle. In this classic trailside game, the compass needle spins toward the participant with the most magnetic personality, who is then rewarded with a check for eight dollars.
• GPS: In the forest, much like in the suburbs, every road looks the same. You'll need a GPS to help you find your way back to the exact pile of leaves where you stashed your keys when you arrived.
• Vest: Wearing a vest with cargo pockets gives you a place to store away feelings of jealousy toward nature's constantly renewing youth.