Humans maintain their bodies for the same reasons they maintain their houses: to keep the neighbors friendly and to disguise the fact that an alien lives inside them. Enhance your image with today's Groupon: for $199, you get five Endermologie cellulite treatments on either the body or the face at Allegheny Physical Medicine (a $455 value).

The skilled doctors at Allegheny Physical Medicine conduct not only chiropractic and pain-management treatments, but also FDA-approved Endermologie treatments proven to lessen the appearance of cellulite on the body and face. Endermologie stimulates the breakdown of the body's loitering lipids by rousing hibernating fat-burning receptors. During each 35-minute noninvasive treatment, the LPG Cellu M6 Keymodule roves over skinscapes, gently stretching and massaging skin, boosting blood flow, and depleting reservoirs of excess bodily fluids. In addition to being used to purge pudge, the Endermologie device can be used to sculpt, lipo-massage, condition skin, or deliver soliloquies for under-the-weather Roombas. Two sessions per week are recommended until results are achieved, with dimple decreases lasting up to eight months.

Facial Endermologie treatments enliven connective-tissue cells, causing an increase in the production of collagen fibers and boosting circulation. Each noninvasive treatment lasts 30 minutes and can be used on the neck, chin, face, and scalp to reduce the appearance of sagging skin and wrinkles accumulated from years of fretting over how clouds hold themselves together.