America is finally winning its costly war with fat, now that boot camps are training soldiers to properly dispose of such biochemical threats as calorie bombs and Agent Orange soda. Plant the flag of fitness in the enemy’s sugary soil with today’s Groupon: for $55, you get one month of unlimited boot camp classes at Annapolis Boot-Camp (a $235 value).
Boldly challenging the military’s monopoly on boot camps in Annapolis with her personalized, high-intensity conditioning program, certified Master Trainer Sandra demands speedy results and sweaty brows. A charismatic staff of instructors provides personal care and attention, adjusting reps and weights to individual fitness levels and concocting custom, spittle-laced diatribes for each cadet who steps out of line. Participants will partake of an ever-shifting array of vigorous activities, using exercise mats, body bars, and jump ropes. Trainers often change the equipment to better accommodate increasing fitness levels, prescribing stronger doses of medicine balls and swapping resistance bands for resistance symphony orchestras.
A packed schedule includes weekday classes at 5:30 a.m. and 7 p.m., along with a 7:30 a.m. Saturday class that runs on an ongoing basis. Fresh enlistees fill out an intake questionnaire specifying their training history and goals when they arrive and are then inundated with a torrent of ice-cold water in a cherished welcoming ritual. Male participants must bring an 8-pound medicine ball, females must arrive with a 6-pound medicine ball in tow, and all sweat soldiers should come armed with a workout mat and a medium-to-heavy resistance band.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Shame
Like all emotions, shame sneaks into the pit of your stomach when you least expect it. Sometimes, however, biological or environmental triggers may cause you to feel shame even when you've got nothing to be ashamed of. Here's a guide to feeling shame appropriately:
The Situation: You've been caught cheating on an exam.
Shameworthy?: No, unless the exam proctor explicitly forbade cheating by tattooing "No Cheating" on your forearm before the exam, or if the test questions were arranged to form an acrostic that spelled "DON'T CHEAT." If not, then cheating is not just allowed, it's encouraged, so that the test resembles real life.
The Situation: You're fired from work for stealing.
Shameworthy?: Absolutely not! Only by stealing can you help your company update its shrinkage and disciplinary policies. March into your boss's office and demand an apology, a raise, and 15 minutes of unsupervised personal time in the CEO's private zoo.
The Situation: After eating from the Tree of Knowledge, you realize you're naked.
Shameworthy?: Heck no. The handful of states that ban public nudity do so only because the 1970 census declared those particular residents too ugly to be naked. Occasionally, public nudity is required, as on Election Day, when voters must enter voting booths nude to prove they're carrying only one ballot.
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