Throughout the day, the superstitious are afforded numerous opportunities to better their lives through making a wish. What are some tips to rising to the next wish-making occasion?
• Wishing Wells: Like most things in life, you get what you pay for. Though a wishing well's suggested minimum donation is 25 cents (save your pennies for the mall fountain outside the Cinnamon Xpress®), you can sweeten your wish a little by wrapping it in a check for $750. Or, simply whisper your wish into the HDMI port of a gently used plasma screen before chucking it in downward into the rattling darkness.
• Shooting Stars: Most dreams wished upon a shooting star don't come true because the wish casters don't finish the job. Drive at top speed to the smoldering impact site to confirm that the falling star is actually a fully undressed spaceman. He should be hugging his knees to his chest and ready to exchange wishes for Earth clothing and a room above your garage.
• Birthday Candles: Triple your annual wish-making potential each year by wishing for a genie. Do not, however, ask the genie to grant you the wish of additional birthdays, as the genie's legendary love of ironic interpretation will cause him to transform you into an extremely old man. Remember: the only truly safe way to wish for more wishes is to wish for garbage bags full of money.