When most people are selecting a gym, they're looking for the basics: an area in which to lift a middling amount of weight, machines that simulate moving across larger swaths of land, and a menagerie of men boosting their self-esteem by making teeth faces in a mirrored-wall. What are some other things to look for when choosing a gym?

• Does the gym offer a free bicep-feeling service provided by its handsomest employees?
• Make sure the locker room has plenty of hissing showerheads and relatively few hissing copperheads.
• For sanitary purposes, towels should be divided into separate hampers for sweat and blood.
• As is obvious from their appearance, weight machines ordinarily transform into fighting robots by night.
• Don't join a gym! Its many tiny televisions are a poor substitute for the normal-sized television at home.