It’s wedding season, which means there will be reasons to leave the house again for the first time since eating-out season ended three months ago. Be the ideal wedding guest by following these tips:

• Check the mail every day for your invitation. You’ll know what it is because it will look like paper but smell like flowers.
  

• Send your RSVP to indicate what meal you want—a Regular-Size Veggie Pizza.
  

• Get fitted for your outfit, but keep a watchful eye on the tailor to see if he uses inches or centimeters. If it’s the latter, report him immediately to the government.
  

• Don’t forget a wedding gift. If they’ve registered for silverware, get them an empty box that says “Silver … Where?” The real gift will be the laughter that happens.
  

• Most wedding ceremonies take too long. When the bride walks down the aisle, everybody will be looking at her, so that’s when it’s safe to take a bite of your cheeseburger.
  

• Throw rice at the newlyweds as well as the boiling water you cooked it in.
  

• Go home. You weren’t invited to the reception.