To attain the rosy glow of flushed cheeks, 18th-century ladies often spent all day outside building snowforts in order to catch deadly consumption. Give your complexion a painless glow with this Groupon.
Choose Between Two Options
- $25 for one 60-minute lavender facial (a $60 value)
- $65 for three 60-minute lavender facials (a $180 value)
Greer's Lavender Spa
Greer's Lavender Spa enlivens its spa treatments with lavender, an enchanting fragrance that requires a lengthy and dangerous procedure to harvest. The staff follows time-honored guidelines put forth by 19th-century naturalist Herbert Podworth, who was the first to document instructions for the oil's extraction in his famous compendium, 'European Beastes and Their Beneficial Fluids.' For the reader's convenience, his methods have been reprinted here with modern spelling and terminology.
The essential oil known as lavender, highly coveted by the cultivated gentry for its enticing fragrance and salubrious effect upon the humors, can be obtained only by a most devoted perfumer after trials that demand a Herculean fortitude—for this cherished substance dwells singularly in the hindermost molars of the purple asp-father, that terrestrial serpent whose physical appearance has been described by poets as "Mother Nature at her most indecisive." Having voyaged to the grassy islands known locally as SSSSss, where the largest colony of asp-fathers is known to bask, I have amassed the following memoranda on subduing and milking them of their precious, flowery balm.
Firstly, construct a lariat of equal parts golden twine and metal-forged chain, concluding in a Möbius noose 2 feet in diameter and roughly infinite in duration. As you endeavor toward the beach where your quarry resides, skip arhythmically with alternating left and right gallivants on odd-numbered gambols to confuse the eardrums lining the creature's underbelly. Silence is the only sound an asp-father can hear, and it galls them to a rage without remedy, so disguise your advance with the mating call of a native bird, such as the red-breasted Complete Works of William Shakespeare reciter.
One must always approach asp-fathers widdershins, for they follow the sun's arc with their compound eyes each day to ensure that its sizzling beams do not distract the larvae from their songs. Positioned at a healthy remove, heave the lasso about the beast's great wedge-shaped carapace, taking care not to brush against any of its three exo-brains. Attempt to bypass the antlers, whose lances are used to envenom the asp-father's preferred prey, large bears and the world's surviving brachiosaurs.
Should your throw fail to harness the target, strike the golden twine asunder with a strongly worded Bible verse and flee. Always flee in slow motion, as the purple asp-father's speed depends on context.
Should you manage to yoke the bulksome creature, clamber atop its back between the third and fourth mandibular wings, still gripping your bridle. The asp-father will part its jaws to unleash an inventory of rose-colored sparks, or, if you have snared a female, infuriated hornets. With the passage of several hours, however, your makeshift steed should succumb to exhaustion and a slumber most melancholy.
Once the asp-father is emitting audible belches from its bioluminescent nipples, retrieve a wide-necked Bettelheimer flask and kneel by its dorsal snout. The posterior fangs shall yield approximately three droplets of lavender each in the moments following a firm massage of the tongue.
Leave ample time to bathe after your encounter, for the asp-father's pheromonal effluence excites its only natural predator, the lavender flower.
Greer's Lavender Spa
Greer Walsh is inspired by nature. For proof, take a look at the Facebook page for Greer's Lavender Spa, which presents shots of the ocean in different lights, or try one of the spa's facials, each infused with lavender and other essential oils. The spa uses Bioelements products, known for including organic ingredients and eschewing the parabens, dyes, and spray cheeses of other lines.
Old Orchard Beach
32 Ross Rd.
Old Orchard Beach, Maine 04064