In this sick, wet world, nothing is more important than washing your hands. Whether you've just used the bathroom or just touched a child's bacteria-laden face, here is what you'll need to do to regain your purity:

• Turn on the hot-water faucet.
  
• Get the soap out of the hermetically sealed safe where you keep it so humidity won't cause it to burst into suds.
  
• Once the water is hot enough to kill (and cook) a bug, plug the sink so it fills up.
  
• Drop the soap in the full sink to make soapy water, or "clean soup," as it's often called.
  
• Submerge your fingers in the water one at a time in order of filthiness. Repeat until your fingers have soaked up all the water, leaving the sink completely dry.
  
• If you ever forget what to do, just remember the childhood hand-washing rhyme: "My fingers, my fingers are drinking clean soup/ My heavens, my heavens, it hurts."