NASA developed massage to help astronauts cope with edgy Tang-induced sugar highs, lack of ESPN, and predatory aliens stowed in the hangar bay. Achieve these soothing effects outside the soul-crushing abyss of outer space with today’s deal: for $34, you get a one-hour Swedish massage at Maleckas Therapeutic Massage (a $65 value).
Inside this beautiful Victorian home-turned-muscle-molding-studio, certified massage therapist Sheila Maleckas has created a soothing and tranquil space for her clients to unwind both mentally and physically. Massage sessions take place in a quiet, private, dimly lit room where Sheila will administer one hour of traditional Swedish massage techniques, transforming tension-riddled body cots into soothed and snuggly sleeping bags. Utilizing a luxurious lineup of oils, lotions, rolling, and targeted percussion moves, Swedish massage is an ideal way to relieve general aches and pains, banish stress, stimulate circulation, and restore mental clarity lost after years of listening to auto-tuned newscasts. Clients suffering from a superabundance of spinal tension can also use the value of today’s deal to upgrade to 90 minutes of posture-improving, joint-revitalizing, knot-unknotting therapy for an additional $25 fee.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Keeping Clean
Since 1998, when scientists proved that dirt could penetrate people's skin and make them evil, cleanliness has been a medical and moral priority for most people. Here's a guide to keeping clean:
- Look at Soap: Because soap is just a placebo, looking at it is just as effective as using it.
- Make Your Own Water: "Water is good for cleaning"—yes, this is just an old wives' tale, but unlike other old wives' tales, this one is true. Don't waste money on the store-bought stuff, though. You can purchase hydrogen and oxygen in bulk and then make your own water by placing the two elements in a sealed shoebox overnight.
- Bathe Once a Month, Every Month: No taking July off just because you didn't break a sweat eating those firecrackers. Simply fill a bathtub with your homemade water and soak in it until your skin prunes, then swells, then hardens like coral, and then returns to normal.
- Keep Clean Inside and Out: Your internal organs can get gummed up by waxy buildup, toxins, and eggs left behind by the dozens of spiders you accidentally swallow every day. Restore cleanliness to your insides with a daily dose of the most powerful cleaner known to man: a sunny disposition. Also, drink a gallon of mouthwash every Friday.
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