With billions of viewers and ad revenue through the roof, it’s no secret that everybody loves watching dog shows. But what do they judge these pedigreed pooches on? Hint: the things in this guide:
1. Is the Dog Crying? A sad dog is never a winning dog. An exemplar of the breed should be happy and boisterous, not a gross crying mess. Plus, the only dogs even capable of crying are genetic aberrations.
2. Has the Dog Eaten a Judge’s Finger During the Process? Only one dog (a mastiff named Grandmaster Waddlesplint) has ever won after consuming a judge’s finger. (It was only a pinky.)
3. General Dogliness: Is this really a dog? Not a pile of ants or a popular wooden toy? How much of a dog is the dog? Like, way dog or just some dog? This is generally the most important.
4. Telepathy Test: No dog has ever passed this test, but judges are holding out hope.
5. Pick Your Favorite: None of this matters. The judges just pick their favorite dog.