It is incumbent upon the learned of a society to help those with lesser cranial machinations. That is why we have started The Groupon Guiding Light: Real Advice for Real People. Because here at The Groupon Guide, we know that Knowledge Is Helping™. (To receive your own Groupon Guiding Light in the next installment, email a problem that needs advice to firstname.lastname@example.org.)
My daughter is in love with a real LOSER! Should I respect her feelings and support her decision or forget about her altogether?
Guiding Light: Unhap P. Mom, you did the right thing by writing us. Your daughter is in love with a loser?!?!? Those guys are the worst. They never win anything, not even once. And the fact that this guy is a real loser means he’s not even a winner disguised as a loser. Oh boy, Unhap, this is serious. Losers do terrible things such as accidentally sell the farm for a fake car or miss the winning field goal in the football game. If she’s kissed him, it means by rule of law that she is now a loser, too. Rid her from your life by moving into a gated community or going somewhere losers can’t go, such as a hall of fame or a casino that is also a boat. We all know the old saying: "For it is upon thee to cast the weak off into darkness, like the miller who sets the chaff to flame, or the heifer who leaveth the ugliest calf behind to be taken by the night’s hungry creatures."
I am supposed to go on a really cool ski trip with my dad, but my wife is pregnant with our first child and the due date conflicts with the trip. What do I tell my dad?
Guiding Light: Best to keep the baby away from your father. At his age and proximity to—how to put this gently—eternal sleep, your father could easily become jealous and rage-ified toward someone who has so much life ahead of them. Rather than taking the pregnant woman on the trip, let her just have the baby at the hospital. She’ll be fine. Hospitals are clean and sterile, and sometimes the doctors sleep with each other, which creates entertaining dramatic intrigue. You just make sure to enjoy what sounds like a really cool trip with your dad.
I sing bass in a barbershop quartet that is competing in an international quartet competition. Can you give me any pointers that would help me/my quartet have a memorable performance and might help us achieve top honors?
Guiding Light: Thanks for the letter, "Stratton in Baton" (Rouge, Louisiana, I'm assuming). Growing up can be difficult—and scary. Sometimes the person you think you are isn't who you're good at being, and sometimes the people who we think we want to get the farthest away from are actually the people who can teach us the most. Try to strike a balance between your goals and your obligations and, in the end, you may find out there's more overlap there than you realize.
I didn't read your letter.
Seriously, to receive your own Groupon Guiding Light in the next installment, email a problem that needs advice to email@example.com.