In an effort to straighten out their spines, people have been known to hang upside down for hours at a time or super-glue yardsticks to their backs. Find an easier path to alignment with today’s Groupon: for $40, you get a chiropractic exam and massage package at Nill Family Chiropractic (a $160 value).
Headed by Dr. James P. Nill, Nill Family Chiropractic escorts pain from the body using a wide variety of chiropractic and massage techniques. After welcoming new patients, Dr. Nill guides them to a therapy room for an initial assessment, explaining his procedures and diagnosis with helpful visual aids. Next, backs relax with hot moist packs and Anodyne therapy, an infrared-light treatment that coaxes nitrous oxide from blood cells, promoting healing and imbuing vertebrae with glow-in-the-dark superpowers. Afterward, Dr. Nill treats tired muscles to 10 minutes of massage, and then he stimulates spines with a personalized muscle-spasm release therapy, therapeutic stretching, and vertebral traction. Patients depart with a list of easy core-stabilization exercises to practice at home or in a coworker's cubicle.
Nill Family Chiropractic provides a tranquil environment conducive to wellness and healing. Floor-to-ceiling windows illuminate the lobby’s red brick walls and eastern décor, and calming scents and the sound of flowing water create an ideal atmosphere for meditation or ripping phone books in half with your mind.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Knighting Yourself
Nowadays, you don't have to slay a dragon or release a hit music album to get knighted. In fact, the Magna Carta specifically grants all land-owning citizens the power to knight whomever they see fit, and since this document is still the basis for all of today's laws, here's what you'll need to knight yourself:
A Worthwhile Quest: Every knight worth his chain mail earns his title and the official, knights-only Maytag dishwasher by bravely completing a legendary quest. Suitable quests include rescuing a princess, raising the national IQ through tireless one-on-one tutoring, or warning children about the dangers of defenestration through a series of comical radio advertisements.
A Gallant Broadsword: Once you've completed your quest, you'll want a high-quality sharp weapon with which to knight yourself. Try looking in abandoned rock quarries or school lost-and-found closets. If you can't find a heroic-looking blade, visit your local Nerf mine to gain access to enough of the soft foam-like mineral to make a sword.
Goodness in Your Heart: True knights must be pure at heart, so it's important to purge yourself of any unkind feelings or fears that have lodged themselves in your ventricles. Lock yourself in a closet and perform scream therapy for at least two months (no breaks) to excise your demons. Then, deliver a shot of goodness directly into your aorta by eating some children’s letters to Santa.
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