Giving yourself a back massage is impossible, much like keeping your eyes open while sneezing or reading an entire book. Give spines a rest with today’s Groupon to Oakland Massage Therapy. Choose from the following options:
- For $35, you get your choice of a 50-minute Swedish, deep-tissue, or sports massage (an $80 value).
- For $59, you get a 50-minute deluxe massage (a $145 value).
- For $79, you get a 80-minute super massage (a $180 value).
The deluxe and super massages come with hot towels, aromatherapy, salt-glow therapy, and hot stones.
The certified massage therapists at Oakland Massage Therapy ply away muscle tension with practiced strokes and spa-like add-ons. Swedish massage stimulates circulation and detoxification with gliding massage strokes, and sports massage helps speed recovery as it focuses on areas of inflammation, tension, and aloofness caused by unrequited pats on the back. The deluxe and super massages combine fluid effleurage and deep-tissue pressure to knots with four muscle-melting add-ons, including aromatherapy and the penetrating heat of hot stones. Therapists gently burnish backs with a salt scrub to remove dead skin cells and apply hot towels to uncoil muscles into sinews as relaxed as a jack-in-the-box in a world without toddlers. Services last a full 60 or 90 minutes, with 10 minutes designated to undressing and dressing.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to Everyman’s Classics: Animal Farm
Everyman should enjoy classic literature, which is why the Groupon Guide invented the Everyman's Classics study-guide series. This installment covers:
Animal Farm: Chapter V
Summary: All right, so at this point the animals have been running Animal Farm for a while. This one horse, Mollie, gets treats and pets and ribbons from a neighbor farmer who is a man (not an animal), so she leaves to work on his farm instead of Animal Farm.
Meanwhile, the rest of the hilarious talking animals are arguing about whether they should build a windmill like Snowball the pig says or to not do that like Napoleon the pig says (note: Napoleon is also the name of an important man from France). So they argue and stuff and the animals seem like they want the windmill. But then Napoleon calls in all these dogs he’s been secretly raising and they come in and are big and scary and the animals are scared even though I’m pretty sure a horse could beat a dog in fights. The dogs chase away Snowball and Napoleon is like, “Basically, I’m in charge now and communism is flawed.”
The pigs explain to the animals that it is good that Napoleon is in charge and not bad and also Snowball was a bad pig. The horse named Boxer who always says “I will work harder” also starts saying “Napoleon is always right.” The animals continue to work because that is how they get food and the dogs are scary (even though, seriously, horses are strong [also donkeys can kick pretty hard]).
Analysis: Having recently discovered that there is no symbolism in this book, scholars agree that this chapter is particularly unsymbolic. It is well documented that walking, talking animals fall under Jungian archetypes of “the priceless” and “the adorable.” Scholars also agree that they are more excited for the later chapters when the pigs wear top hats and other human clothes.
Important Quote: “Nine enormous dogs wearing brass-studded collars came bounding into the barn. The animals cowered in fear and did not have an all-out, no-limits brawl with the dogs even though this would have been awesome and worthy of being put on a video website if such a thing ever exists.”
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