Other than offering to pay for a love interest’s major surgery, the best way to make that person fall in love with you is by writing him or her a song. Here are some tips to consider when crafting your musical love letter:
• If you’re writing to a woman, compare her beauty to something you’d find in nature, like a sunset or a particularly erotic looking mountain.
• If you’re writing to a man, compare his coolness to an anthropomorphic cigarette smoking an actual cigarette.
• Try to make yourself sound like a loving person, so avoid writing about crimes you’ve committed unless they were crimes of passion.
• In the outro, repeat your love interest’s name over and over again, getting quieter each time and dramatically slowing down the tempo of the song. After several hours of this, he or she will fall asleep near you. If you are able to stay awake while he or she sleeps for 24 consecutive hours, you will be legally married (only in some states).
• Remember the old saying: if it’s got a sweet beat, it’ll be on repeat, but if it’s got only a trace amount of bass, you’ll never finish in first place in the love race.