Like choosing paint swatches with an impatient spouse, teeth whitening replaces pale pistachio, bavarian cream, and summer peach with simple buckets of white. Simplify your shades with today’s Groupon: for $29, you get a home teeth-whitening kit from Premium Home Whitening (a $158 value).
Premium Home Whitening's kits take trips to the dentist out of smile-brightening equations with FDA-approved gels blanching choppers up to five shades. After a quick brush and floss, patrons drop their mold-and-bite trays into heated water until the plastic becomes as pliable as the lasagna noodles floating beneath them. Ductile tooth helmets press against the upper and lower ridges, custom molding to enamel outlines. After a conservative squirting of USA-made carbamide-peroxide gel, patients insert their impressions into the mouth while clutching the micro LED light between their lips. Sessions last about 30–60 minutes, depending on tooth tolerance, and should take place once or twice daily while watching TV, reading a book, or challenging the cat to competitive staring contests. Gel supplies furnish about seven to nine treatments.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Employee Benefits
Before starting a new job, make sure your prospective employer offers the following basic benefits:
• Health Insurance: Your medical plan should pay for checkups, hospital visits, and twice-daily atomized vaccine mists administered via your office's sprinkler system.
• 401(k): This is a 401-foot-deep hole where your money is buried so government taxmen can't find it. When you retire, you’re mailed a map to its location.
• Complimentary Cigarette Dish: There should be a bowl of loose cigarettes on the receptionist's desk next to the punch bowl full of Pepsi.
• Solid-Gold Retirement Knife: Should have a pawn value equal to one electric guitar.
• Dignity: Or not.
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