Babies come out of the womb so physically weak that they will love anyone strong enough to hold their jello-like bodies, but as kids grow older, parents must earn their love. Here’s how to force your kid to adore you:

Buy Them a Car: Your kid doesn’t want to be seen in whatever hot metal garbage you’re driving around. Drop off your spawn at their favorite local dealership, give them your credit card, and then go wait for them to meet you at the nearest Pizza Barge franchise.

Be a Cool Parent: Make it obvious that you’re not like other parents by dressing in teenager clothing (tight jeans and a T-shirt from a sandwich shop that doesn’t exist anymore). If people mistake you for your child’s loose-skinned older sibling, just go with it. Tell them that your child’s parents disappeared while committing a crime of passion together and you decided to raise your sibling as a graduate-school project.

Spend Time with Them: When children are still young, you can just carry them around in a sling on your chest, but as they grow older and heavier, it’s better to stay attached by sewing a shirt big enough that you both can wear it at the same time. If your kid refuses to wear the shirt, cry loudly until you both feel embarrassed, and then call your kid’s crush and cry loudly to them.