The deal is on!
Massages were accidentally invented in 1758, when a thumb war between two Stockholm harpsichord players took a turn for the lumbar. For $25, today's Groupon gets you get a one-hour Swedish massage from Revolution Wellness Center (a $60 value), located in Shelby Township. Revolution Wellness Center is open on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. Groupon users can also upgrade to a hot-stone massage (a $90 value) at the time of appointment for an additional $30.
Lymphologists and lumberjacks concur that a Swedish massage is an invaluable ally in the ongoing quest for total health. Swedish massages employ several styles of expansive and ebbing strokes to relieve tension, mellow the muscles, and restore free-flowing fluency to the toxin-dispersal chutes of the lymphatic system. During effleurage, the hands smoothly circle the skin like epidermal ice skates as a primer for renewed venous and lymphatic circulation. The petrissage and tapotement strokes knead and knock on pressure points in the humanhide, while friction strokes untie the knots in the shoelaces of your muscle fibers. The vibration stroke goes all "cell-phone setting during a ballet" on the back and the limbs to get blood and muscles moving. The lesser-known high-five move at the end of the Swedish massage generates camaraderie and coolness.
At the helm of Revolution Wellness Center, Dr. Christine Kaczmar is one of the area's few digestive health specialists, and she understands the importance of therapeutic bodywork to overall health. Through a variety of treatments and techniques, she restores smiles to bellies and brings a wealth of wellness to tummy-ache-prone and tension-ridden patients.
Reviews
Revolution Wellness Center supplied testimonials from some of its massage patients:
- I love massages, but I especially LOVE massages at Revolution Wellness Center!! I feel brand new every time I leave! – Aileen S.
- All I have to say is that the massages at Revolution Wellness Center are AMAZING! I feel so comfortable when I'm there, and everyone basically feels like family. – Amelia A.
Groupon Says
Sweden: Home of the Swedish Massage
Everyone knows that Swedes use a lot of oils in their famous massages, but did you know that Sweden is the world's second-largest consumer of lubricating oils, trailing only hard-bodied male strippers? A 2006 study in The American Examiner of Suspicious Swedish Behavior reported that Swedes annually use 1,460 gallons of lubricating oils per person. That comes out to exactly four gallons per person, per day, every day of the year (leap year not factored in to avoid over-complication). To non-Swedes, that number may sound high; but in a country driven by the Swedish massage, ABBA, and general sexiness, it's right on par.
Here's the typical oil-usage schedule of an average Swedish family of four on military time:
05:30: Wake up, full-body soak in vat of oil (300 gal.)
06:30: Family massage (5 gal.)
10:15: Breakfast
10:30: Period of quiet thought (3 gal.)
12:00: Operate massage parlor out of Smart car (1 gal.)
13:00: Leave work
13:15: Exercise
13:30: Period of slightly louder thought (4 gal.)
20:00: Slide beneath bed's vinyl sheets and sleep (3 gal.)
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