The proper amount of spice elevates a mundane dish to new flavorful heights, leading NASA to abandon its shuttle program in favor of cheaper chili-powered flying saucers. Taste the future with today's Groupon: for $15, you get $30 worth of organic spices from Spicely Organic Spices.
Spicely Organic Spices' herb-hunting moguls scour the globe for naturally grown spices and teas and distribute them in bulk to household pantries and professional eateries. A selection of more than 400 items are carefully selected to screen out artificial sweeteners, genetic modifications, and irradiation, ensuring healthy flavor and making it next to impossible to accidentally acquire the powers of an oregano plant. Enliven lackluster spice racks with signature eastern flavors such as piquant organic ground cumin ($10.99 for 13 oz.) or thai curry seasoning, a zesty blend of organic paprika, turmeric, black pepper, cayenne, and other exotic tastes ($12.99/lb.). The American Kitchen 12-Box Sampler restores depleted reserves with a dozen cookery classics such as organic rosemary, garlic, and basil ($32.40)––which, as everyone knows, are red, white, and blue flavored, respectively. Ovens relish the sacchariferous scent of the anise seed and vanilla bean found in the Baker's Favorites 12-Box Sampler ($36), and neighborhood hummingbirds will take song requests in exchange for a hot cup of nectar made from organic hibiscus-flower tea bags ($7.99 for 14 oz.).
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Breaking Up
As scientists continue to debate the existence of true love (as opposed to false love and true hate), regular folks continue to hunt recklessly for an emotional connection. To help sever an existing relationship and find a truer one, here's the eight most popular ways to break up:
- Break the news gently at a candlelit dinner by regurgitating your entire meal as a symbolic rejection of your relationship.
- Text "BREAK UP" to 622-22-22 to make your relationship a thing of the past!
- Send a gift basket filled with unwanted treats, such as peanut-brittle cans filled with snakes and brittle snakes filled with peanut cans.
- Write a rap "diss track" comparing your soon-to-be ex to both defeated Civil War general Ambrose Burnside and the confusing final season of Roseanne.
- Instead of the tired "throwing the clothes onto the front lawn" tactic, pick up handfuls of grass and throw them on their folded clothes.
- Whenever they are around, hide under a rug.
- When they're sleeping, sneak out of their house but leave a small bonsai tree in their shoe to wish them luck on their next romance.
- Instead of breaking up, silently resent your partner forever until you explode into a cloud of green smoke and confetti. They'll get the picture.
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