Reading is so boring that if you don't do it fast, you're at risk of falling asleep and hitting your head on a book. Diminish your reading time to mere seconds a day with these speed-reading tips:

• Practice moving your eyes really fast by quickly looking back and forth at a set of twins until they start to look like one person.
  

• Most written text is full of extra words that the author put in to sound smart and pay homage to that old hag Mother Grammar. Skip the fluff by only reading words that are men's names, parts of a horse, in a crazy font, or "Las Vegas."
  

• Do not ever read anything inside of parentheses. Parentheses are the garbage can of the page where the author puts his least important or most disgusting thoughts.
  

• Use the shape of a paragraph to guide you. Big and blocky? No use in reading what's probably just boring backstory. Thin and slim? You've found that sweet, scintillating mistress we call dialogue—read away.