America has enjoyed a long tradition of textile manufacturing, from Betsy Ross cross-stitching the Constitution to Neil Armstrong knitting Apollo 11. Discover the fruits of fabric tradition with today’s Groupon: for $20, you get $40 worth of fabric at Textile Discount Outlet.
Textile Discount Outlet’s palatial 75,000-square-foot facility is chock-full of first-rate fabrics ($5/yd. on average), stylish tiebacks, and upholstery accessories, all available at wholesale prices. Apparel-DIYers can sift through a horde of eye-catching fabrics, ranging from vibrantly colored panne velvet to polyester rainwear equipped with a waterproof-treated lining. Meanwhile, interior decorators can embellish draperies and Dead Sea scrolls with elegant drapery tiebacks ($13.95 for two) and bland sofa cushions are bedazzled with shining wire-eye upholstery buttons ($18.95 for 144).
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to the "Quiet Period"
The "Quiet Period" is the time right before a company "goes public," during which it is legally prohibited from saying anything to the press that may make the company look "good," "successful," or "not currently on fire." During this sensitive time, it is the duty of the press to force the adolescent company through a series of brutal hazing rituals, designed to desensitize it to public criticism. This tough love helps the naively optimistic company to thicken its skin, atrophy its soul, and finally grow up into a real corporation. Here are some traditional hazing rituals you can use to torture companies in a quiet period:
- Wait until the company is sleeping to smear scream-activated bees on its face. Lesson Learned: Don't believe your company's own "buzz."
- Photoshop the company's logo to appear to be shaking hands with James Buchanan, America's worst president. Lesson Learned: Everything you see or read about a company is true, if it's on a computer.
- Use the company's cell phone to text a vote for the new M&M's color to be a sickly ashen gray. Lesson Learned: Customers aren't capable of making their own decisions.
- Kick sand in the company's face. Lesson Learned: If the company survives, it's time to move on to sand's close relative, powdered glass.
- Write disparaging articles about the company. Lesson Learned: That's what they get for trying to be a company.
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