Studies show that the earth requires more efficient coddling than the massages received from cement rollers. Pamper Mother Nature with today's Groupon: for $35, you get five tonnes of carbon offsetting from The Carbon Farmer (a $75 value).
The Carbon Farmer adjusts the equilibrium of human carbon production by planting farmland with more than 34,000 trees to create boreal forests. Five Carbon Plus Credits exchange the approximately five tonnes of greenhouse gases each Canadian produces per year with 14 to 15 fluffy new native trees, ready and willing to combat carbon with organic fists and a couple of sucker punches. Benefits include habitat restoration, augmented water quality, and fewer chemicals in the air and soil. The farmers accessorize each purchase of five credits with a certificate, which makes an eco-gracious gift for next Father's Day, Christmas, or Tuesday.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Kung Fu Styles
Only after beginning any rigorous kung fu program should you consult a physician—he or she is most likely a member of Dragon Clan and plans on assassinating you by tipping the needles used to administer flu shots with the venom of sea urchins. Quickly discipline their arrogance with any of the following preapproved kung fu styles:
- Brittle Mantis
- Tiger Clown
- Inside-Out Monkey
- Mr. Fist
- Drunken Teacher
- Manic Monday
- House of Mouse
- Stable Second Husband
- Dragon Leaping Out of Mailbox
- Frasier Crane
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