The large intestine, much like pipes, needs regular maintenance to prevent blockages and to thwart the passage of bullfrogs trying to make their way upstream. Clear your internal thoroughfares with today’s Groupon to The Nile Wellness Center. Choose from the following options:

• For $35, you get one colon-hydrotherapy session (a $110 value).
• For $99, you get three colon-hydrotherapy sessions (a $330 value).
• For $179, you get six colon-hydrotherapy sessions (a $660 value).

The knowledgeable healers at The Nile Wellness Center, which was the Readers’ Pick for Best Colonic in 2009 from Creative Loafing Atlanta, target poor health with holistic colon-hydrotherapy treatments in an effort to detoxify intestinal systems. For the approximately 45-minute sessions, patrons take refuge in private rooms where sanitary, FDA-approved equipment gently flushes large intestines with purified water heated to mimic internal temperatures and to defrost frozen snacks waiting in fanny packs. Balmy currents painlessly oust toxic remnants of air pollution and processed foods while calming music pumps into the serene space.

The hydrating treatments boost intestinal functioning, leave native electrolytes untouched, and refresh innards for inter-organ sparring matches. Therapists recommend 3–12 treatments depending on relative toxin levels and number of first-place gum-swallowing trophies. Customers should guzzle 64 ounces of water beforehand and abstain from eating for two hours prior to appointments.