In the past, soccer players often began their athletic journeys as dancers, eventually forgoing pirouettes and sashays for superb one-directional kicks and graceful head-banging moves. Witness the fruits of all that dance labour with today’s Groupon: for $54, you get two aqua-section tickets to see Vancouver Whitecaps FC take on Toronto FC in the first leg of the Nutrilite Canadian Championship finals on Wednesday, May 18, at Empire Field, plus the FIFA 11 video game for Xbox or PlayStation 3 (a $132.50 total value, including ticket fees and HST).
Whitecaps FC blasted through the Montreal Impact in the first round of the Nutrilite Canadian Championship, and will now take on Toronto FC for the title. On May 18, in the first leg of the final round, Whitecaps FC will defend home turf and subfield gold deposits in a rush for the Voyageurs Cup and a place in the 2011–12 CONCACAF Champions League. From behind-the-net perches in the aqua seating section (a $38.25 value, including ticket fees), watch Eric Hassli surge toward the opposing goal and Terry Dunfield command the midfield as the defense guards the team net from balls and rogue hedgehogs.
The included FIFA 11 game (a $56 value, including HST) delivers a global experience with digital clashes and virtual staring contests among more than 30 official leagues, 500 teams, and more than 15,000 players. Improving on its 2010 predecessor’s features, FIFA 11 challenges in-season thumbs with refined ball control, sophisticated player attacks, and improved positioning.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Citizens' Arrests
The Constitution grants every citizen many of the powers and privileges of a real police officer. To aid you in your citizenly duty to stop crime wherever you may see it, here's a guide to correctly performing a citizen's arrest:
Confirm the Crime: Many things that seem illegal, such as stealing cable or breaking a young girl's heart, are actually not against the law. And many things that are illegal, such as being mean to a dog or hitting someone with a car, seem perfectly fine to do. As a layman law enforcer, you are only authorized to make a citizen's arrest for one of the offences that make up "The Big Three": theft, murder, and crime.
Approach the Offender: The vast majority of people you target won’t even realize they've committed a crime—and so will happily submit when you attempt to bind their hands with your homemade handcuffs (try making them out of twigs and discarded hair; it doubles as a friendship bracelet when your arrestee gets out of jail). If for some reason the criminal doesn't want to be arrested, you are constitutionally authorized to shoot them down with a cutting insult.
Await the Authorities: All that's left to do is call in the professional lawmen by ringing the nearest Crime Bell. Within seconds, a fleet of judges should arrive at the scene to carry out swift justice by sentencing the offender to jail, apology camp, house arrest (no longer allowed to watch the television program House), or a year of hard labour, which is just another name for an unpaid internship in an obstetrician's office. Time to reward yourself for keeping your city safe by setting off some fireworks.
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