Groupon Says
How to Properly Tie a Tie
At Groupon, we have a ritual called "Tie Tuesdays" where we order Thai food, fly around in TIE fighters, and—most importantly—wear ties. However, as many of our employees were hired through feral child rehabilitation programs or Mac and Me-style interplanetary outreach, not all have mastered the single Windsor, much less its chin-flattering doubled counterpart. That's why we sent out this memo illustrating the proper steps for tying a necktie:
Step 1: Soak tie overnight. Using a shallow basin or chemically sealed "water pumpkin," submerge tie in 1–2 inches of water, or just enough to drown any lingering tie-mites or blood-drinking neck chiggers that may have been clinging to it at time of purchase.
Step 2: Receive an email from your employer stating that your services will no longer be required, thus dissolving your obligation to wear a necktie, as well as all prospects of paying your rent and proving to Roxanne that you're not an "emotionally stunted man-child who can't even keep his lizard alive."
Step 3: Burn the tie until there is nothing left. Nothing. This will make you feel free, as well as frighteningly calm.
Step 4: Gather remaining ashes of tie and mix with a few drops of milk to form a thick, black paste. Don't worry about the lumps—they're lucky! Dip your index finger in the paste and finger-paint a picture of a tie on your bare neck and chest. Climb to the roof of a tall parking structure or radio spire and scream as only a man can scream. Now you are wearing a tie!
