Groupon Says

The Groupon Guide to: Dog-Show Breed Standards

With billions of viewers and ad revenue through the roof, it’s no secret that everybody loves watching dog shows. But what do they judge these pedigreed pooches on? Hint: the things in this guide:

1. Is the Dog Crying? A sad dog is never a winning dog. An exemplar of the breed should be happy and boisterous, not a gross crying mess. Plus, the only dogs even capable of crying are genetic aberrations.

2. Has the Dog Eaten a Judge’s Finger During the Process? Only one dog (a mastiff named Grandmaster Waddlesplint) has ever won after consuming a judge’s finger. (It was only a pinky.)

3. General Dogliness: Is this really a dog? Not a pile of ants or a popular wooden toy? How much of a dog is the dog? Like, way dog or just some dog? This is generally the most important.

4. Telepathy Test: No dog has ever passed this test, but judges are holding out hope.

5. Pick Your Favorite: None of this matters. The judges just pick their favorite dog.