Groupon Says

The Groupon Guide to School Supplies

School-supply-purchasing season is here, and that can only mean one thing: back-to-school season. Here's this year's mandatory school-supply list, straight from the president's desk:

  • Peach-colored crayon
  • Letter opener
  • Grappling calculator
  • Blood-test centrifuge
  • Blu-ray copy of the hit 1996 film Eraser
  • Enough gum for the entire class
  • $60 pair of jeans that everyone else will have
  • According to Gym–brand gym shoes
  • Dossier of local bullies and their allergies
  • Glue
  • Paste
  • Dilbert-themed folder that says "School is like an office for children" on the cover
  • Updated textbook that finally has information about the Second World War
  • Anatomically correct hand for making hand turkeys
  • No. 2 pencils FOR A #1 KID!