hide

Groupon Says

The Groupon Guide to: Fighting Crime

While the police largely discourage comic book-inspired vigilantism, there are still a number of less flamboyant ways to combat crime in your community:

• If you see something, say something—for instance, if you see a weird bug, make sure to tell everyone you meet that day about it.

• Install intense floodlights in your bedroom so that no burglars can hide in the shadows and watch you sleep.

• Teach children to trust the police by visiting schools dressed as something children already trust: a giant, talking dog wearing a policeman’s hat, with huge, unblinking plastic eyes.

• Join a neighborhood watch, wherein adjacent neighborhoods volunteer to take turns staying up all night and watching each other to make sure no crimes happen.

• When all else fails, join up with the lawless bands of lunatics who run your streets—you might be surprised how quickly you discard all morality in exchange for a skewer of boar meat roasted over a flaming garbage can.