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The Groupon Guide to: Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs remain a mystery, as the little scientists know about them has been cobbled together from close study of their bones and repeated viewings of Jurassic Park. Here is the totality of scientific knowledge pertaining to these terrible lizards:

Tyrannosaurus rex: The King of the Dinosaurs, T. rex was more than 800 feet tall, with a brain the size of Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. Like all dinosaurs, T. rex was a vegetarian and used its powerful teeth to rip through other dinos to get to the vegetation that they had just eaten. Scientists are 90% sure that T. rex couldn't talk but are 100% sure that if he could, he would have said, "It's raining. Raining men, that is."

Velociraptor: Scientists believe that these spritely mini dinos hunted together by climbing on top of each other and forming, Voltron-like, into one larger dinosaur. They used their sharp claws to cut into the thick flesh of delicious rival dinos in order to study their bones, as scientists assume that dinosaur bones were just as interesting to other dinosaurs as they are to us today.

Ankylosaurus: We know little about the heavily armored quadrupedal ankylosaurus, the third and only other type of dinosaur, because it had no bones and thus left none behind for us to study. Scientists believe these plated invertebrates spent their entire lives hanging limp from trees, like the melted clocks in a Dali painting. Like all dinos, ankylosaurus was an herbivore, but it was one of the rare herbivores that subsisted on meat.