Antioch Spa and Massage

For dozens of years, the Chinese have practiced acupuncture, a healing method that corrects imbalances by stimulating specific points on the body that help energy, or qi, flow smoothly. During every visit, acupuncturists measure your qi pressure, which is similar to measuring your blood pressure except that inflatable thing is placed around your soul. Acupuncture will help reduce your dependence on medication for pain. Plus, after you take all those needles out of your body, you'll finally have a utensil set for those little squares of cheese! On Wellness Clinic's acupuncturist knows acupuncture. It’s what she does. Her oldest patient is 354 years old.

The Light Fantastic Salonspa is an urban oasis of relaxation and beautification. More than just hair, the upscale salon spa is the only place in the Lower Haight to offer hair, skin, and body services. And The Light Fantastic isn't just the only combined salon and spa in the Lower Haight area—it's also one of the only salons in all of San Francisco to carry all-organic Phytologie and Phytomer hair and skin-care products.

Like the soothing syllables “tay”, “ah”, and “she” massage your vocal chords into a peaceful stupor, today’s Groupon massages your body. For $45, you get a one-hour massage or a 45-minute foot massage at Teashi. It will return pristine humanity to your muscles and renewed energy through your blood stream. Reward your tired self for the endless blog posts you wrote about kittens and soup.Naturally, the world powers began jockeying for access to the potentially weaponize-able massage, by means both diplomatic and underhanded. Many international observers believe that the 1992 Summer Olympics were, in fact, a complicated ruse carried out by Russia and the United States to distract Sweden long enough to steal their massage, as evidenced by the fact that Sweden won an unexpected 904 Gold Medals that year. Still, the Swedes held tight to the massage until 1999, when Y2K-related fears caused Swedish officials to release classified details of the massage, believing that the world would likely end. Today, the Swedish massage is practiced all over the world, though rumors that the Swedes are secretly working on an even better massage run rampant.

Despite the sincerest efforts of herbologists everywhere, mani-pedis still do not grow on trees, only vines. For $45, today's side deal gets you a vine-ripened and moisturizing mani-pedi ($30 value)—plus a bed tanning session ($20) and $45 toward waxing—at San Francisco Sun in Cole Valley, for a total value of $95.

Today's side deal kneads nefarious aches into a euphoric massage elixir of euphoric massage at Karuna Healing Arts. Owner Jennifer Chien's special brand of holistic bodywork is an individualized approach that helps heal hurts, relieve pain, and de-stress stressed stresses. An SF Examiner reviewer calls Chien's touch "equivalent to feeling the warmth of the sun after many days of rain."

The physicians and skincare experts at SkinSpirit concentrate their nonsurgical beautifying powers on restoring and rejuvenating every corporeal form in sight. During the signature facial, a medical-grade microdermabrasion first breaks through the skin's outer shell, forever quieting the dull conversations of expired skin cells and replacing them with the polished banter of a youthful façade. Then the skilled staff paves freshly smoothed veneers with a warm enzyme exfoliant before applying a double-layer antioxidant mask. Once the mask has finished uploading a brand-new personality to your face, a layer of enzyme serum gives your mug a hug while a copper-peptide-rich moisturizer refuels subdermal collagen generators and pampers sensitive skin to the point of looking, feeling, and acting younger than it did yesterday or the day before yesterday, but not two days after the day before yesterday.