Massage is like a Snuggie for your soul, minus the shame and Doritos stains. It wraps you in warm fuzzies that relax your muscles and invigorate your spirit. Today's Groupon wipes away tension and snack crumbs with a healing touch. For $30, you get one of three types of massage at Common Source Massage, up to a $75 value. Choose a 60-minute Swedish/deep-tissue massage, a 60-minute hot-stone massage, or a 90-minute Thai yoga massage.Naturally, world powers began jockeying for access to the potentially weaponize-able massage, by means both diplomatic and unofficial. Many international observers believe that the 1992 Summer Olympics were, in fact, a complicated ruse carried out by Russia and the United States to distract Sweden long enough to steal its massage, as evidenced by the fact that Sweden won an unexpected 904 gold medals that year. Still, the Swedes held tight to the massage until 1999, when Y2K-related fears caused Swedish officials to release classified details of the massage, believing that the world would likely end. Today, the Swedish massage is practiced all over the world, though rumors that the Swedes are secretly working on an even better massage run rampant.