Mesa Drs and Health Practioners

Today’s Groupon offers a variety of health services in one giant health-box wrapped in expensive handmade wrapping paper. For $60, you get a one-hour massage, chiropractic exam, and treatment at the Phoenician Health Group (a $180 value). Located in the Phoenix metro area, Phoenician provides high-quality chiropractic care with an emphasis in auto-accident injury, sports-injury treatment, nutrition, and advanced Connect Four strategy. Skeletons: Chiropractors typically work their magic through skin and muscle, but direct access to the vertebrae will allow them to realign your boney corpus, whether you’re preparing for a night of singing Cab Calloway in a cartoon cemetery or recovering from the arduous cycle of perpetually dropping from the rafters on a system of pulleys and wires.

Score sparkling tusks with today’s mouthy Groupon. For $189, the smile savers at Avalon Dental will whiten, examine, x-ray, and polish your teeth, then leave you with a custom-fitted whitening tray for maintaining smile perfection, a $770 value. Additionally, you’ll receive $50 off any restorative service (fillings, crowns, bridges) valued at $100 or more.Boars: Known as the “treasurers” of the animal kingdom, they grind their tusks together to produce sharp edges in order to dig their labyrinthine, underground salt mines.Elephants: These dim-witted animals are said to “never forget,” mostly because humans constantly forget to come up with a more accurate description of elephants.Walruses: Their lives are horrible because their relatively simple brains can only experience hunger and regret. Walrus tusks are filled with gold but are not valuable because it’s curse-gold.

Dr. Andrew Shumway and his team of eight—one for each incisor in a senator’s smile—go to great lengths in their roles as crushers of cavities and enemies of enamel erosion. A new-patient exam ($75) lets Shumway Dental Care shake hands with patients’ teeth and get a feel for the terrain. A full-mouth x-ray ($110) will uncover the deep, dark, childhood secrets lurking within the hearts of premolars, while a routine cleaning ($82) will undo the damage done by years of gnawing on Gramps’ homemade “chewin’ tobacky” and washing it down with his patented “bathtub Pepsi.”

After meeting and receiving degrees from Temple University School of Dentistry, Drs. Boyd Patummas and Linda Ma went on to form their own one-shop stop for general and cosmetic dental needs—Smile Innovations. Inside the sleek, modernistic office, the personable staff strives to create pleasant experiences by customizing sessions with gentle techniques and the most up-to-date technology, including Invisalign treatments and holographic treatment chairs.

The doctors at Scottsdale Center for Sight back their procedures with impressive resumés. The center’s founder, Dr. Paul M. Petelin, completed his ophthalmology training at Emory University, received fellowships in cornea and refractive surgery, and has completed more than 10,000 LASIK surgeries. Dr. Stanley Shorb is a specialist in diseases of the retina and eye and has practiced in the Phoenix area for more than 35 years. With their combined talents, the duo takes on a variety of ocular challenges. They perform cataract and lens-implant surgery, a procedure that Dr. Petelin has performed more than 8,000 times in his career. They can also diagnose and treat glaucoma and retinal diseases caused by age through surgery, medication, or laser treatments. The center, one of the first in the state to perform all-laser LASIK, specializes in bladeless LASIK corrective surgery, a much better way of improving eyesight than sleeping on a pillow filled with carrots.

Eric L. Kerbs, DDS, oversees each of My Family Dental Centers' 10 office locations, where his experienced staff practices general, cosmetic, and restorative dentistry services, including Invisalign, TMJ therapy, and in-office teeth-whitening treatments. Not content with resting on his laurels after earning his doctor of dental surgery from Virginia Commonwealth University and completing a one-year fellowship that focused on full-mouth reconstruction, Dr. Kerbs continually updates his expertise by furnishing each office with advanced equipment, staying on top of advances in his field, and periodically hiring a translator to help him interview teeth directly.