Like the soothing syllables “tay”, “ah”, and “she” massage your vocal chords into a peaceful stupor, today’s Groupon massages your body. For $45, you get a one-hour massage or a 45-minute foot massage at Teashi. It will return pristine humanity to your muscles and renewed energy through your blood stream. Reward your tired self for the endless blog posts you wrote about kittens and soup.Naturally, the world powers began jockeying for access to the potentially weaponize-able massage, by means both diplomatic and underhanded. Many international observers believe that the 1992 Summer Olympics were, in fact, a complicated ruse carried out by Russia and the United States to distract Sweden long enough to steal their massage, as evidenced by the fact that Sweden won an unexpected 904 Gold Medals that year. Still, the Swedes held tight to the massage until 1999, when Y2K-related fears caused Swedish officials to release classified details of the massage, believing that the world would likely end. Today, the Swedish massage is practiced all over the world, though rumors that the Swedes are secretly working on an even better massage run rampant.