Radiant Mist Spray Tan helps even the fairest-skinned contenders go for the gold with their UV-free, hand-applied organic solutions. Glow-getters first consult an airbrush expert to dispel fears resulting from past spray-tanning experiences involving a paintball gun and a vat of molasses, and to have a personalized hue concocted from three available shades. All airbrushing takes place in private chambers; ladies disrobe according to comfort level and tan-line concerns, and gents don swim trunks or shorts. The artists of artiface efficiently envelop envelopes in a gentle sugarcane-based solution, creating a tone equivalent to six sessions in a tanning bed or an hour on the grocery-store rotisserie, sending sun-smooched bodies out the door after only 15 minutes.
Novice calorie burners and ripped Michelangelo models alike can take advantage of Anytime Fitness’s membership, which equips bodies with enough treadmills, cycles, elliptical machines, and weights to make them fit enough to run a marathon inside of a swimming pool filled with mud. A free personal-fitness orientation, offered to each new member, helps determine an optimal fat-frying program and teaches muscle-pumping principles of safe, effective exercise. This deal also includes a month of unlimited tanning ($20/month) to paint new, ripply physiques a brilliant shade of bronze.
Experienced aestheticians welcome you into Facial Impressions with a skincare consultation to determine the proper products to tend your skinscape’s isthmuses, mesas, and archipelagoes. The serene, homey spa then provides finicky skull-sheaths with a luxurious, 90-minute customized facial ($100) with Éminence Organic skincare products, which may include such delectable ingredients as crushed rose petals, paprika, cucumber, parsley, and cactus pulp to moisturize dry spots, waken tired patches, subdue outbreaks, evict toxins, and clean up any raging oil slicks. Professional cleansing exfoliates the skin, removing traces of makeup, dirt, and Dust Bowl–residue while Roto-Rooting backed-up pores for a beaming, fresh-faced glow. All facials conclude with complimentary hand, arm, and neck massages to send strife sailing down the memory hole, leaving nothing but a trail of ingenuous bliss in its wake.