The burden of aches and pains makes it impossible for humans to run as fast as cheetahs, which is why the human diet is virtually devoid of gazelle meat. Keep fast food from getting away with today’s Groupon to Premier Life Chiropractic in Apple Valley. Choose between the following options:
- For $35, you get a one-hour massage (a $72 value).
- For $99, you get three one-hour massages (a $216 value).
The dedicated spine aligners at Premier Life Chiropractic alleviate muscle aches and soothe sinews with massages served with a side of complimentary hot tea. Swedish massages melt muscles like beeswax, erase tension, improve blood flow, and awaken the lymphatic system. Trigger-point treatments directly target specific pain points to release tension, and pre- and neonatal massages ease the back pain that stems from carrying around another human. Athletically inclined patrons can opt for a sports massage, which enhances endurance and reduces recovery time. Or, for Eastern enlightenment, clients can choose the shiatsu modality, a needleless form of Chinese acupuncture that awakens the body’s energy meridans.
Groupon Says
The Groupon Guide to: Lawn Greatness
Though the lawns of Europe eschew grass in favor of a thick layer of unpainted concrete, many American lawns are a veritable pasture of verdant, herbaceous turf. To help your lawn look its best, here are the ranking criteria used by the American Association of American Lawns:
Softness: Is your grass suitable for horseplay or rigid enough to puncture the tires of cars that try to drive into your house? Remember, they're called "blades" because you should cut yourself when you touch them.
Height: Your grass should be at least as high as your town's tallest man, to trap any persons or ocelots who sneak onto your property.
Color: Green is pretty good—if you're into the visible spectrum. Truly beautiful lawns use only colors from the infrared spectrum and thus are invisible to the naked eye.
Ornamentation: Technically, if your lawn doesn't feature a flag from every UN member nation, plus a U.S. flag cut into the size and shape of an eagle, you're breaking numerous treaties.
Gnomes: You must have these. To make sure they don't come alive at night, place them inside mason jars filled with insecticide and then display the jars on your lawn.
Pride: If you love your lawn, it's OK to set it on fire. If it loves you too, it will grow back.
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