Jump to: The March of Technology
A session with teeth-whitening pioneers BriteSmile usually costs about $600. If you wait for a sale, you might only pay $350, or $300 once in a Dutch pastry treat. Today, we’re pleased to bring one of our most popular deals to New Yorkers: teeth whitening for only $185. That's 69% off! We know $185 is a wad of money consisting of 180 one-dollar bills and a million nickels, but for what you're getting, nothing comes close. If you have frequent unsightly teeth night-haunties, get today's Groupon and head to one of three locations (Midtown, Soho, or Madison Avenue).
BriteSmile's patented stain-busting technique involves UV technology and fancy lamps that shine gentle blue light all over your teeth to whiten them. As they work, you can sleep, watch TV, or build a dollhouse out of recycled baseball bats. When the hour's up, your teeth will be in factory-new condition; customers have seen their teeth get up to 14 shades lighter. Dazzle your boss, significant others, prospective job interviewers, and anyone else you want to impress with a BriteSmile smile. Already had your teeth whitened? Email friends who need to keep their smiles looking good for professional reasons (salespeople, politicians, Marlboro spokespeople, teeth models, etc.), so they can take advantage of the offer and move up The Corporate Ladder.
Aside from the obvious benefits of teeth whitening—professional advancement, increased sex appeal, better likelihood of catching salmon, etc.—are lesser-known practical pluses. For instance, if you and your partner each get a treatment, you'll not only look better for each other, but you can use each other's teeth as mirrors when you need to comb your eyebrows on the go. If you ever lose a post-whitened tooth, you can find an African ivory poacher and trade it for pure gold. This Groupon also makes an excellent gift for a loved one with disgusting teeth. If you've been slacking on maintaining your basset hound's dental hygiene, make up for it by giving him the gift of teeth whitening; he’ll be happy anyway and you can attribute his joy to your generosity.
Don't be fooled by laser-whitening treatments you see listed for $199. They won't get your teeth nearly as white as BriteSmile (BriteSmile whitens an average of eight shades) nor will they last as long (six months vs. BriteSmile's one to two years). Those are scams run by evil doctors who live for the thrill of shooting unsuspecting patients in the mouth with real lasers.
Note: Don't forget to mention your Groupon number when booking your appointment.
The March of Technology
Teeth whitening is just one of the many reminders of technology’s enormous power to transform our world. Do you remember what life was like before these remarkable inventions?
- Firetruck reddening
- Pasteurized adjectives
- Hamstered dances
- Carphones for your pants
- Flame-retardant babies
- iPogs
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